📖 Dad's Diary

It takes a determination to decide in the heat of the moment…. Especially when feeling violent. I have built so much angry violence within myself that I sometimes just want to hurt somebody…. Something…. Break things. This is when all the teaching in the books of the world make little difference…. Rather the regret burns and the sorrow weeps. The pain aches and the heart breaks again…. What have I done?! humble myself forcefully because I don’t want to do this…. I don’t want to be this. Horrified by my past actions and the memories of how I regretted the loss of my friends, my loving feeling. Replaced by guilt and the sudden realization our love has been weakened and they are not responding the same anymore…. Maybe even constantly reminding me of what I did by shying away when they used to jump into my arms and kiss me all over my face…. Just stopping, pausing, blanking my mind and feelings…. Even in this I have to surrender to the calm, resting back into a loving atmosphere. Yet so easy to slip back into the shadow life…. Suddenly it just doesn’t feel as pure. I sit and wait for my solution…. What can I do now? I’ve messed it all up again… empty, I let my mind wander into my favorite subjects and soon I’m rolling, watching… they keep trying to be close to me…. And when I’m rolling they can’t get enough…. Where is our love? Wounded and sulking quietly…. My favorite little dog jumps in my lap….then pulls away…. BIG HUG is what my love gets… just silent and willing to let her go back to frivolity… me back to mine. Then they set me off by rejecting my new found love and my violent reaction breaks my heart again…. Then I listen to what they want…. Change my plans….take a chair outside and hangout with them while they play…. Always music music music…. our personal relaxing soundtrack…. there is no time it gets easy when starving a violent angry stronghold. This is survival…. Building new strongholds of love. Starving the strongholds of anger and violence. Simply by choosing not to be violent anymore one moment at a time. Remembering how it felt the last time. How it solved nothing. It Only fed the need for violence and made me suffer all over again. Especially when it seems everything is back to good…. Feeling drunk with love, feeling so good, selfishness returns subtly and the devil waits for us to fill back up with pride…. Many times I just need to eat or rest or…etc.? Then I feel better….and they are my cheerleaders again…. The urge to fight turns on the self and the ones I love…. Violent thoughts manifest in my own actions toward my family…. When I’m so full of outside cares and thoughts filling my mind… I have no room for normal everyday ups and downs…. Suddenly I’m having a melt down and have lost my wig! Thank God the dogs can out-run me…. They think it’s a game sometimes and want to play the angry man yelling and breaking dead branches off the tree again! They reflect my outbursts in their own interactions sometimes and I see what it sounds like from someone else…. Thinking… calm down! Geez! Then the memory of yelling loudly, repentance and the determination to keep going and do better! They let me know it’s ok…. We like you when you’re this way…. That other way we can do without….im not getting back into the van with that guy again…. i have to change or my dogs turn on me….they think im a jerk….avoid me….they refuse to eat what I give them…. Sometimes just waiting for it to be dropped before they eat….. no thanks angry man! I only let my friends and family feed me out of their hand….ya bozo….i don’t even wanna come out from under the bed….or be in the same room….you're not good enough to be my friend…. im outraged…. I do everything! What the heck! Changing clothes won’t fix it…. Walking different….talking different…..nothing. I did something that hurt my dogs feelings…and now the feelings in the our room are painful…. My champion lays in the dirt and refuses to get into the van…. just shut my mouth…a million thoughts, a realization of connection… the smell of sweet tea cheers the air…. Soon they are taking sips and running about the place…. The smell of the dirt doesn’t really bother me anymore….im just glad they let me back into the family…. Really it’s all based on the refusal to die in the face of overwhelming circumstances. Even when deserving of death…. I take my own side. Let all judgments go take a flying leap into the lake…. It’s just me against the world! But then I’m subtly returning to the shadow life…. each decision and how something is received or done. The intentions un-pure… corrupt the feelings… and in the end of it all…. The feelings are most important. The atmosphere of love isn’t a clever way to live… it is the ONLY way to live…. Life without love is suffering…. I find myself addicted to suffering and causing things to go wrong just so I can be violent and feel terrible about it…. Broken knuckles and scars on my hands from punching hard objects when I’m angry… hurting myself. Addictions to despair made me lose my teeth. Motivation is gone. The teeth don’t matter anymore. Nothing matters anymore. Why even bother…and back into the shadow life again…. Then repentance and tears all over again…. The broken heart goes away and I’m back with my family again in a loving atmosphere…. God has wiped all the tears from our eyes…. Obstacles are easily avoided… for now anyways…. Then the dogs pee on my bed or I step in a big pile of shifted sand! Do the volcano man again! My new shoes are ruined! My new hat! Etc. then the devil reminds me of what I did… I must forgive myself now…. Or the feelings of the family will come crashing down…. The dogs pull away suddenly…. I’m now captured in a feeling of guilt and shame…. I stop trying to care… get away from me!!! I feel terrible! Their love is creeping me out… Wait…What am I doing??? Past regrets and the tears. I don’t want to live that way anymore! I’m tired of feeling guilty and ashamed! My family is suffering with me….. no one can feel good anymore…. I forgive myself! I declare it in the moment when feeling close to someone, then the intrusive memories…. “I FORGIVE MYSELF” if I can just keep the feelings good long enough it will get easier…. It does get easier….. then there I am one morning, drunk with love and self absorbed…. Danger danger! The devil awaits my error in decision, my pride, hundreds of subtle less than love intentions…. And I’m falling back into the shadow life again…. The sting of knowing the ones I love are changed and hurt. Maybe even broken…. Choosing to die rather than live without love…. Emergency! Life sucks without love…. I choose a wounded love over no love at all. I will love anyway… in a hundred years none of this will even matter…. No one will even know or care for that matter…. This is about me! About us! We only get this one chance to live our lives…. In survival…. I choose to live my life! Just the way it is…. But, I don’t wanna be evil or mask myself from the truth just so I can feel better. I repent. Choose to do better inside my heart! Not to accept myself as a violent angry so and so…. NO! I Will Be A Better Man! Starting now! Cook my babies a great meal! Clean the house! Put my mind on prevention… how can I avoid the stress? Hug my loved ones…. Watch them play, and smile inside myself…. I can’t undo what I did, but I can be a good father today! Right now! I will speak to my children with soft tones and gentle hands…. Even if they pull away…. I will hold my babies and kiss them as if the world may end at any moment! I will hold my dogs and let them know I’m glad they are in my life. I tell them so…. Again and again…. We feel belonging and contentment…. Again and again. Through our personal ups and downs together…. If they fall I will pick them up…. It’s the best I can do for them…. I am here strong and ready to be their friend, their hero. When they need me it’s my chance to come through for them this time. When they are sick it’s my chance to show them I care, cook them a good meal, nurse their wounds…. Remind them why we are together. Give them reasons reasons reasons to want to be here with me…. And when I’m glowing they surround me and jump on me. They can’t get enough. I have saved them from their suffering. They have saved me from mine. ….and I watch at the tower for the evil day. I keep my eyes on the distant horizon. Do I see the enemy approaching? Sound the alarm! My babies need me! I will be a good father today… I will be a good father right now! Come here you! Give me a hug! I’m so glad you’re in my life! You poor baby….. you’ve been so mistreated. Thinking of their feelings. Their life. I forget about myself…. Holding them as if it was someone else who hurt them…. I am their refuge in the storm. They are mine. But wait…. Do I see the enemy approaching?!? ISAIAH 21:2-6 I FORGIVE MYSELF! All things work together for the good of those who are in Christ Jesus….who walk not after the flesh, but after the spirit…. ….and Jesus said, in the world you shall have tribulation, but be of good cheer. For I have overcome the world. And the works that I do, ye shall do also….and even greater works than these shall ye do….because, I go… to my father. But I will not leave you comfortless….The Holy Spirit…. The Feeling Of Loving Connection…. ….as for me and my house, we shall serve the Lord.